Season 1 · Episode 23
The Theory Has No Witnesses
Published 19th September 2026
Its representative is not currently available for comment.
The Missing Representative
Rain took the Square at noon and held it for most of the afternoon.
The Jacks sat beneath the Oak’s thickest leaves, damp around the edges and determined to regard this as a strategic choice. Mr Jack Daw had placed himself on the highest branch available without becoming properly wet.
“The theory,” said Batman Smith from the Fence Post, “is still working?”
Mr Jack Daw looked towards the Fruit Tree. It was empty.
“Its representative is not currently available for comment.”
Gary did not arrive. Neither did Nigel.
The Jacks considered both absences in their own different ways. The first was suspicious. The second was worrying, but not, Mr Jack Daw reminded everyone, necessarily suspicious.
“It can be both,” said Batman.
“That is a very Robin way of looking at it.”
Through the wet afternoon, the Square filled and emptied in little bursts. Flora, Fauna and Merryweather swept through the hedge, brisk as a tidy thought, while the Jacks convened beneath the Oak and immediately made the tidiness impossible. A Rook arrived briefly, saw the weather, saw the committee, and appeared to regret both.
The Squirrels Return
Then the rain eased.
Stirling’s squad appeared along the Vegetable Garden border.
They moved quickly through the soaked leaves, crossed the lawn, and gathered beneath the Oak roots with the concentrated silence of a party that had already decided where every other creature ought to stand. The Jacks watched. Batman watched. No Magpie appeared to watch the watching.
“Perhaps Lieutenant Colonel Stirling has reached a conclusion,” Batman said.
“Perhaps,” said Mr Jack Daw.
“What is it?”
“Lieutenant Colonel Stirling has not submitted it to the committee.”
The sky cleared for a while, but the relief did not last. A fresh scatter of rain darkened the path. The squad went beneath the hedge, returned later, and took the garden apart in a different order. Stirling was present in every purposeful turn of a grey tail and every sudden change of direction. Still, there was no Gary.
By evening, the Rooks had returned to the Oak’s far side and the Jacks had shifted along the nearer branches in order to appear less interested than they were.
“He knows,” whispered one.
“Gary?” said another.
“Stirling.”
“Knows what?”
The first Jack faltered.
Mr Jack Daw drew himself up. “That is the difficulty with a good mystery. Everyone insists on supplying an object.”
The Unseen Argument
Darkness arrived cleanly after the rain. The garden settled. The Fruit Tree remained empty.
Then, well into the night, an owl interrupted the silence.
Batman had been attempting a responsible amount of sleep on the Fence Post. He woke at once. Mr Jack Daw woke too, although he maintained that he had merely been resting his eyes in a branch-facing direction.
The visitor seemed to have arrived with an urgent case to make and no interest at all in explaining it. The matter rose again after a pause, then returned more forcefully from the dark.
Batman stared beyond the hedge.
“I am not guessing,” he said.
Mr Jack Daw waited.
“I have learnt my lesson.”
The owl persisted.
“It could be Marjorie,” Batman whispered.
“You are guessing.”
“I said I was learning. I did not say I had learned.”
Nothing in the dark confirmed him. Nothing dismissed him either. The unseen argument carried on until the Square had become thoroughly awake and nobody was any wiser.
At last, the garden returned to itself. The Oak stopped listening. Batman tucked his head beneath a wing with the unhappy expression of a bird who had been denied a useful conclusion.
Morning Business
Morning came cool and grey.
Percy appeared first, a small flicker in the Pine with far too much business for anyone’s questions. Soon the Jacks came in, followed by Robins, and then the lower garden filled with a mixed little crowd. Mildred kept to the hedge. Brenda surfaced, inspected the path, and vanished into the leaves again. Derek worked rapidly along the Oak trunk, managing to look both very busy and entirely unhurried.
Then Jay arrived with the air of someone who had forgotten nothing and was unwilling to say where he had put it. He made several brisk crossings between the Oak and the far hedge, ignoring Batman’s request for a report.
“You cannot simply carry on mysterious errands in the middle of a mystery,” Batman called.
Jay carried on mysterious errands.
The morning’s mixed crowd grew noisier. Clive joined briefly. Flora, Fauna and Merryweather passed through again. A shifting collection of Chiffchaffs pressed along the hedge, and Batman began his usual attempt to determine whether Colin had been among them.
“One of them is Colin,” he said.
“That is mathematically likely,” said Mr Jack Daw.
“It is not mathematics. It is local knowledge.”
“Has local knowledge told you which one?”
Batman did not answer.
Later, the hedge fell quiet enough for the Square to hear the Jacks rearranging themselves above it. The visiting bustle moved on. The garden held its breath.
A Witness
Then Gary arrived.
He came to the Oak without ceremony, which was more alarming than a ceremony would have been. A single grey squirrel had appeared beneath the bird table at almost the same moment. It paused. Gary paused on the branch above. The Jacks, having spent an entire afternoon waiting for this, did not make a sound.
Stirling’s squad did not rush in. There was no dramatic confrontation. The squirrel simply went under the hedge after a long look around the garden.
Gary watched until it had gone.
Batman landed one perch nearer. “Your working theory?”
Gary looked at the Fruit Tree, the Vegetable Garden, and the hedges beyond both.
“It has developed a complication,” he said.
“What complication?”
Gary smiled, but only faintly this time.
“A witness.”
“Nigel?”
Gary looked genuinely offended. “Batman, if Nigel were here, he would be looking for lunch.”
“Then who?”
Gary gave the Oak, the hedge, and the empty Fruit Tree one last long look. Then he left without saying.
By the end of the morning, only the Jacks remained reliably in place. Rain clouds had closed over the Square again. Mr Jack Daw sat in the Oak, considering the day’s evidence.
“We have learned,” he said, “that the theory has a complication.”
“And a witness,” said a Jack.
“Possibly.” Mr Jack Daw looked towards the hedge. “But the witness may not know it.”
DUFF. DUFF. DUFF-DUFF-DUFF.